The Same Deep Water As You
by Solo & Jo
chapter(s) | Story notes, disclaimers, warnings]
Friday 05 September
"That…" Jin says and then he stops, because he doesn't
have a clue what to say because that…
"I trust there's no problem," Ootomo says, tapping a
silver pen on his desk.
Jin stares past Ootomo's impatient fingers and tries to
think, to find words.
"I told Kamenashi-sama that his requirements are not
unreasonable by Johnny's standards and that any of our escorts will be
happy to oblige him. He wants to give you a second chance."
There's noise in his head and his legs feel all weird,
and Ootomo can't— this can't be happening, it can't,
he's hanging on to this job because, and maybe
there's no point after all if these things— with Kamenashi.
"Well?" Ootomo says eventually.
He can't say it. It wouldn't make a difference anyway,
all Ootomo would say is, 'it's in the past, get over it,' and he'd
still send him to Kamenashi.
Maybe Kamenashi only ties people up on Tuesdays.
And Jin needs the job. And it's not the same thing. This
isn't the streets, Ootomo is right, it's different.
"Fine," he says, and then he clears his throat and says,
"fine," again while the floor turns weak and hazy under his feet.
The tapping stops. Ootomo smiles. "I know I can count on
you," he says, and it sounds like a threat.
Things are fuzzy after that, for a while.
He's dressed for the lounge so that's where he goes.
There's people, there's talking, and Yuuya who smiles at him over the
head of— somebody, there's faces that don't mean anything. He doesn't
remember chatting anyone up, or the guy chatting him
up but sometimes they do and an hour later he's in one of the rooms and
he doesn't remember the guy's name but it doesn't matter, he's easy,
thank god. All Jin is asked to do is get on the bed and let himself get
fucked, no fancy stuff or thought required. He gets with the rhythm,
that's easy enough with normal people, lets the guy grope his ass and
his back while he's thrusting away, keeps his eyes shut and tries to
get the fucking panic under control.
Later, much later, after more indistinct hours in the
lounge and a relaxation that took almost the full hour, he's in the
break room, sitting in one of the chairs by the fridge with a cold can
of coke in his hands and the TV mumbling in the background, and he's
starting to feel a bit more present.
Shota is watching his women's fashion weekly with rapt
attention, Danny beside him putting up with it because he has no
choice. Tatsuya has occupied one of the dressers and is carefully
applying fresh eyeliner.
Jin watches Satoshi pack up his stuff, dressed in jeans
and a casual shirt, his reddish-blond hair still wet. It's early for a
When Satoshi looks up, he tries a smile. "You're done
for the night?" he asks, and his voice sounds normal, regular. Good.
"Yeah." Satoshi closes his locker, stuffing some
underwear into a small laundry bag. They can have their suits cleaned
and delivered here, but most of them, Jin included, prefer to take
their underwear home. "I've had about all the dick I can stand in a
day. And Nino can drop me off with the car, so I might as well."
Ninomiya is a waiter at the adjoining restaurant. Rumour
has it he and Satoshi are seeing each other. Sometimes Jin wonders how
that works. But Ninomiya seems like a nice guy.
Satoshi waves them all a casual goodbye, and Shota makes
a joke about slackers. Danny stretches in his armchair, saying it's
probably time to get back into the game, but then slumps back to suffer
through the rest of the fashion program instead.
Tatsuya is done and is wandering towards Jin, towards
the fridge, looking confident and elegant as always. Jin has watched
him handle clients and apparently he's even handling Kamenashi, because
Tatsuya can pick and choose his clients and Ootomo wouldn't dream of
ordering him to go anywhere, do anything he didn't
want to do.
And Jin's heart is racing again but suddenly he wants to
know, and he's got do it now and he's got to be calm.
Tatsuya gets himself a small bottle of orange juice and
only nods at Jin, casually, and Jin feels stupid asking him but he'd
rather feel stupid than not know.
"Tatsuya-san. Can I ask you a question?"
Tatsuya stops mid-turn and lowers the juice, meeting
Jin's eyes. "Of course," he says politely. He's always polite, always
helpful if he can be. Jin likes him, even though he rarely knows how to
talk to him.
He takes a breath. Tatsuya is also discreet. "Do you let
Kamenashi tie you up?"
It's blunt, but blunt is all he's going to manage and
not drive himself mad, and he prefers a blunt answer, anyway.
There's a pause, an odd moment when Tatsuya looks at him
as if he suspects Jin of a joke he's not in on.
"Kamenashi?" he says, slowly. Jin nods tightly, and
Tatsuya settles for a puzzled frown. "I don't know if someone's making
up nonsense to entertain himself, but Kamenashi-san doesn't tie people
Something in his tone makes Jin think that he wouldn't
like the people who would make up such nonsense. Something tells him
that he likes the crazy bastard.
"Really, he's as vanilla as they come."
"Okay," Jin says, because… right. Sure. "That's cool,
that's good. But, you know, if he wanted to. Would you?"
"If he wanted to…" Tatsuya seems to have to work hard
for the mental image, and he raises one shoulder slowly. "I'd let him.
Of course I'd let him. He's a sweet guy and he knows the rules. Sure
I'd let him tie me up." He shakes his head with a small laugh. "But
trust me, it's not his scene."
Sweet guy. Vanilla. Jin nods. "Thank you, that's…"
He can't have sounded very convinced, because Tatsuya
gives him a searching look. Thankfully he's too discreet to ask
outright, and Jin manages a grateful smile that gets him off the hook
for now, for this at least.
Monday 8 September
Maybe Tatsuya was right, he considers as he turns onto
the street, walks past the first block of run-down apartments; briskly,
because he isn't stalling, and he isn't going to be late.
Maybe it was a fluke. Who knows what he'll be after,
it's not like Kamenashi seems to have a good grasp of his own mind half
He stops that train of thought. Not helpful.
The high hedges that shield Kamenashi's building from
view are a long darkness stretching out beside him as he walks, no
lights, no windows. Jin shivers when he's at the gate with the neat
little name plates illuminated by a small light and the camera on him,
and he's got it in his head again, the weird reactions and the fury and
being pinned down under that coldly focussed stare and maybe Tatsuya is
Maybe he needs to stop thinking about this right now.
He rings the bell.
"Hello," he hears Kamenashi's voice, somewhere between a
question and a greeting.
"It's Jin." He doesn't even sound scared.
The buzzer goes. "You know the way."
He does, and it's really not long enough, and then he's
there and rings again, and the door opens at once.
"Hello again," Kamenashi says, and Jin is calm, he's
very calm. He's had three days to calm himself down.
Kamenashi is a dark shape against the light falling onto
the balcony from behind him, and his face is shadowy, unreadable.
But Jin is calm. "Good evening," he says as he follows
Kamenashi inside. His voice is steady. "I'm sorry about our
misunderstanding last time," he says before Kamenashi can. He's
Kamenashi doesn't blink. He looks good, well-dressed and
clean-shaven, 'desirable client' written all over him if it wasn't for
the steel-string hardness in his eyes. "So am I," he replies, motioning
for Jin to step up into the living area, and says, "I apologize if I
frightened you," meticulously polite.
"You surprised me," Jin clarifies,
glad he's sorted this part out too. "Usually clients give some
indication in advance if they want to try something new. And since we
hadn't met before…"
Kamenashi looks interested and waits him out. It's
"I had to check with Ootomo-san first," Jin finishes.
"And he said you're fine. So… that's cool."
"Very good," Kamenashi says, looking pleased, and then
he turns and there's a small snapping sound as he— locks the door.
Right. Jin makes himself unfreeze and thinks he might
ask Tatsuya just how he defines 'sweet.'
When Kamenashi turns back, his expression hasn't
changed. "I'm glad we get a chance to get it right this time."
Jin can think of nothing to say. He wonders whether
Kamenashi knows that Jin's credit with management is currently used up.
He really, really hopes not.
"Is there anything you need before we get started?"
Kamenashi asks, and Jin thinks about playing for time but it would be
useless, it could be worse than useless, and he doesn't want beer, he
needs a clear head.
"No," he says, "I'm fine."
Kamenashi nods, satisfied with his answer but that's all
right, the sooner they start, the sooner it's over, and Kamenashi
pleased is better than the alternative, anyway.
"Very good," Kamenashi says again. His eyes drop briefly
to Jin's messenger bag, and he adds helpfully, "We're going to use the
Okay. Jin nods his professional cooperation, takes the
bag down. He leaves his jacket over the back of a chair and moves on,
and he gets to the wide, expensive looking bed and then he doesn't look
at the white sheets tidily folded back and the perfectly arranged
pillows and the classy wood of the bedposts.
Just puts a handful of the club's standard-issue foil
packets on the nightstand.
Doesn't look at the neat arrangement of neckties,
classic blues and charcoal and one tasteful red stripe in bright artful
Turns around and breathes.
Kamenashi has moved closer, couch and armchair at his
back, but it's really not close yet at all, he's keeping a safe
distance, and the casual tilt of his hip against the side of the
armchair means he's relaxed, he's pleased, he's going to stay there,
and this is exactly what he meant for Jin to do.
"You can take off your clothes," he says.
So Jin does. He does it professionally, neither slow nor
rushed. He doesn't look at the bed again because what's the point, it's
not going to change anything and when he's done…
He undresses. It's quiet.
Until there's movement, Kamenashi is moving, but he's
not coming close, not approaching Jin or the bed or the— he's simply
moving over to the bookshelf and leans against it, his eyes on Jin,
Jin's shirt is off and his belt is open and normally,
trousers and underwear are one move but… it doesn't have to be, nobody
can say he's… oh what the hell. He drops both together. And
straightens, and waits.
He does not like Kamenashi's deliberating look. But
then, there's nothing here to like. He doesn't look at—
"So get on the bed," Kamenashi says softly, and Jin
He gets on the bed.
Kamenashi regards him a moment longer before he pushes
himself away from the bookshelf. Here it goes. And it's normal that
things start to move, it's time something happened, Jin is naked on the
bed and what else are they going to do?
Kamenashi is coming towards him, and Jin can't tell if
it's fast or slow or just focussed, but then he's there and if Jin
dared, if he even wanted to, he could touch him.
His eyes are dark, blunt in their examination. Jin wants
to think that people look at him like that all the time when they want
to fuck him, but they don't. He doesn't get scared like this.
He doesn't shiver from the back of two fingers, brushing
his chest almost tenderly.
The push doesn't come. He wants to ask, but his throat
is dry; he sucks hard at the inside of his cheeks and swallows once and
then, "What—" Stops, because something flashed in Kamenashi's eyes and
maybe he should… stop. Wait.
"This is fine," Kamenashi says in a low, approving
voice, and okay, he wants to fuck him after all.
Then Kamenashi pulls back his hand, turns around and
wanders over to sit in the armchair.
He crosses his legs, leans comfortably into the side of
the chair, and Jin tries not to stare because what the fuck.
But okay. Anything that doesn't have Kamenashi near him,
near the bed, near the colour display on his right is good. Is probably
very good. Jin can sit naked on a bed and wait for instructions. He can
do that fine.
Slowly, Kamenashi leans more comfortably against one of
the arms of his chair, props himself up on one elbow; looks Jin up and
down, also slowly, thoughtful and that's not any
more reassuring from three meters away, not really, but. He's over
there thinking, not over here doing.
Then Kamenashi nods, like he's pleased with something
and— "Make yourself come."
Kamenashi gives him his moment of surprise, says
nothing. Still watching him; pleased, yes, slow intent sweeping along
Jin's body, lazy, and that's weird— no, it's not weird, guys like to
watch, they ask that of him. Not usually from halfway across the room,
not when they've got other—
He doesn't look at the dark slash on white, barely an
arm's length away, doesn't want to give Kamenashi ideas or reminders,
and Kamenashi's not even bothering with his face, not trying to
outstare him, just shifts a bit more comfortably in the chair, still
expectant, and okay, he can do this, he doesn't need to understand
it but he can do it, and he can do it better if he doesn't think too
So he takes a quiet breath and spreads his legs a bit
more, and gets to work.
Tunes Kamenashi out, tunes everything out, everything
but the feeling of his own palm doing things just
right… and he manages to get hard, not as fast as usual but it doesn't
take agonizingly long, either, after all he knows the buttons to push.
And it's working, vaguely pleasurable if he ignores
everything and he can get there from here if he just keeps going, keeps
it snug, sticks with the rhythm he knows. He doesn't add extras like he
might with other guys because no need for complications and he doesn't
take guesses with Kamenashi and he can keep his eyes down while he
works, zone out on the pretty patterns in the laminate while he
concentrates on pure sensation, that's just realistic.
Kamenashi would tell him if he wanted eye contact, just
like he'd tell him if he changed his mind but there's nothing, nothing
when Jin moves his hand a bit faster. With other guys he would ask if
they're really sure they want him to come so early, he'd look
occasionally to see how they're liking it, too, but he's doing what
he's told here, best just to do what he's told and it won't be long
now, he's getting hot, his breath is getting short and the pace—
Movement at the edge of his vision freezes him rigid.
Kamenashi's steps on the laminate, and Jin looks up and it seems a long
way somehow, dark slacks and belt and shirt and sharp collarbones and
smooth certainty as Kamenashi moves, coming towards—
—but no, he's not that close, he's
just passing by, he's going for the drinks cabinet and ignoring Jin,
and for a tiny moment Jin wants to be annoyed at that but he can't be,
And he looks down again, finds the spot on the floor
because he wants his concentration back and the hard-on he half lost,
and he's okay when Kamenashi passes on the way back, doesn't stop,
doesn't slow, and Jin's not really watching, he's just making sure,
good to know where all the pieces are and then there's the sound of
clothes rustling and a quiet knock, a glass on a table and okay, that's
Kamenashi settled, and suddenly Jin is breathing.
Breathing, and then he remembers to move his hand, and
it only takes a few strokes to get him hard again, hard enough.
Kamenashi is shifting a bit, just a bit, it's okay, and Jin hears a
zipper, and some soft noises and he understands those, they are
familiar, safe because Kamenashi isn't likely to spring surprises on
him now and Jin's not going to invite any, just keep his mouth shut and
his hand working and he can concentrate, really concentrate, get this
He speeds up again, makes sure the buzz stays constant
now, three, five, ten strokes and he tightens his fingers, puts
pressure under the tip with his thumb just so, and then he feels the
tingle, the start of the end, and he leans back a bit, adjusts for aim
and does it harder, and again, and he's there, closes his eyes for the
shaky release and his lips are tight when he shudders, spilling on his
chest and into his hand.
He waits out the dwindling spikes of sensation, catching
his breath. No tissues, and maybe using the sheets would be a bad idea,
so eventually he wipes his palm on his thigh. And when he really can't
put it off any more, he looks up and at Kamenashi.
Who is hard, and has stopped doing anything about it; is
looking at him with his lips slightly parted and an intent look in his
eyes, and Jin licks his lips because they're suddenly dry and then he
just tries to breathe regularly and— stay. On the bed. Right here. Stay
Kamenashi takes his time tucking himself back in,
getting up and adjusting himself in his underpants, smoothing down his
unbuttoned shirt front, and that's— a good thing, yes, every minute he
stays over there…
Kamenashi brushes his hands off on the sides of his
trousers, probably sweaty, yes, he's turned on, and he's going to want
to get off now… but still taking his time about it, it's slow and
deliberate and disturbing, and every step is a step
too close but it's going to be a lot closer still, and can they please
just get it over with, all of it, so Jin can… so it's over.
And Kamenashi starts to undo his cuffs, and then he
rolls up his sleeves and Jin tells himself it's only the orgasm that
has him feeling so weird and like he's falling into something, it's
only that. He concentrates on breathing, and swallows a couple of
times, and by then Kamenashi has taken another step. Not long now.
And then he's there, and Jin sits very still, doesn't
even try to look up at him, standing firm and immovable between Jin and—
He has to stop thinking about escape.
He waits, barely breathing, his eyes falling somewhere
in the region of toned stomach muscles over a black waistband with grey
designer letters. One of the buttons on Kamenashi's open shirt has a
Kamenashi says nothing, just stands and… observes,
presumably. It can't be as long as it feels. The hard-on under the CKs
is plain and obvious and something will have to happen soon. Jin tries
not to think about what.
It's a light touch when Kamenashi cups his chin,
measuring, almost curious, tilting his head first this way, then that,
and Jin goes with it, tries to give no resistance at all because that
won't help. He pushes Jin's hair out of his face and he's not rough at
all, not gripping him but somehow Kamenashi's eyes aren't getting any
And then something settles, and Jin finds himself
looking up with his throat dry and tight and the fucking ties are right
there and Jin almost says— almost fucking asks— but he knows it's no
good, he knows what Kamenashi wants isn't for Jin to suck him off, it's—
"Lie down," Kamenashi says, quietly, and nudges him
gently before letting go.
He's thought it through. Thought through everything that
could— that a client, one who knows the rules, is
known for knowing the rules—
Kamenashi, who is waiting for Jin to move, and Jin
doesn't want a reminder, won't be difficult, just won't think.
Pushes himself back so his legs are all the way on the bed, a bit
higher so his head comes down on the thick pillow, and when Kamenashi
picks up the ties all Jin looks at is the ceiling, white and harmless.
Kamenashi walks up the side of the bed and after a
moment, Jin feels the mattress dip on his left, and he doesn't flinch.
Just keeps looking straight ahead, lets things happen, lets Kamenashi
"Your hand," comes his voice, and Jin flinches after
all. And now he has to look, and Kamenashi has one knee on the bed and
is looking down at him, adamant with his palm open and waiting, one of
the blue ties in his other hand.
Jin reminds himself to breathe and simply holds his hand
out, looking away again. Feels Kamenashi's fingers around his wrist,
warm and firm, lets Kamenashi stretch his arm upward, doesn't fight it
when the fabric slides around his wrist, not like then.
Just bites his teeth together when it is stretched tight
and stares ahead and tries not to think.
But then Kamenashi is moving again, around the bed and
the other side dips and Jin knows what's coming and he knows,
not thinking is not working, thinking of the rules is not working, he
doesn't want to be difficult but he knows— he
can't— this is it.
"The other one, too, please."
That sounds sharper and that… and he can't. And he knows
he'll be doing himself a favour if he just does it, does it quickly,
before he pisses the guy off, the guy who's going to have him tied up
and helpless and— and he isn't moving, he can't move.
"I—" he says and then he quickly stops because he can
tell, he can just tell by the way Kamenashi's eyes
narrow that this is a very bad idea. He doesn't know what he was going
to say, anyway.
He can't move. The only mercy is that Kamenashi, staring
down at him, still unyielding and increasingly impatient, isn't moving
Except for his outstretched hand, which makes a clear
'give' motion, and Kamenashi's eyes are hard. Time's up.
It takes Jin three tries to make himself lift his arm
and hold it out, and he doesn't breathe at all. If he does, he'll… it
wouldn't be good.
He stops himself from tensing when Kamenashi arranges
things to his satisfaction, when the tie slips around his wrist once,
twice, when it goes taut. And then it is done.
He doesn't look at Kamenashi, at anything. On the
ceiling, the white is changing shades and structure, little dots
dancing on shifting shadows.
He remembers to breathe and remembers to keep it quiet,
and it's long and hard and it doesn't seem to help at all.
His heart is racing, and it's too loud. His hands are
clammy and they feel cold but it's not about circulation, they're tight
but Kamenashi hasn't— they're tight but not painful, it doesn't hurt,
not yet— no, and he doesn't hold on to them, doesn't test them, he
doesn't want to know and Kamenashi's hand runs up his leg and Jin
flinches hard but… that's all, that's all there is, and— fine.
Kamenashi prompts him again, his hand on the back of
Jin's calf, and fine. Hardly makes a difference. He stretches out the
leg, and then the other one too for good measure and a tie goes around
each ankle and then around the bedpost, no difference, really, though
Kamenashi won't be able to— whatever, no, no thinking, Kamenashi will
do— whatever. Whatever he wants.
Jin stares at the ceiling.
Ignores Kamenashi, who is quiet now, not moving; but
still there, and Jin doesn't want to look at him, doesn't want to think
about what's coming but at least he can, he'll
know, he can be prepared. He hears the slide of fabric and something
falls softly to the ground. The mattress dips again. Jin breathes. The
first touch is on his wrist.
Light, almost a tickle, playing at the edge of the loop
of silk around his hand and Jin doesn't want to think about it, just
doesn't want to think.
"Is anything too tight?" The question comes out of
nowhere, cold and distant and practical and Jin almost flinches again
and he can't give an answer, that would involve thinking, making words
But the moment passes, Kamenashi seems to take his
silence as answer enough, continues touching him— too light to say if
it's— a thumb, because Kamenashi's hand curls around his wrist now,
lightly still, not painful, inching his way up to Jin's elbow, thumb
rubbing curious circles into the bend.
Then his fingers move on, trail down the inside of Jin's
upper arm, and Jin feels exposed even though it's just the arms, but at
least he can track the touch, along that line between the muscles where
it hurts when you press too hard but Kamenashi doesn't, and he can feel
when it changes from fingertips to a flat palm on his triceps, firmer
now, towards his shoulder.
He flicks a quick look at Kamenashi's face, unsure what
he's looking for, but Kamenashi just seems to be concentrating, and
interested and mildly turned on.
He leans closer, Jin can feel a clothed leg press
against his naked side but it's just there, not intended to do
anything. Kamenashi's belt buckle, hanging open from the loops, swings
lightly when he shifts his weight, the muscles tensing in his stomach.
Kamenashi is pushing Jin's hair back again, touching his forehead with
that weirdly floating touch that goes with a weirdly intent gaze and
Jin doesn't like the hands on his face but it's not like he can stop it
and it's not like it couldn't be worse so he just keeps still.
Doesn't do anything, doesn't look when Kamenashi's
fingers are on his mouth, and he doesn't like that either but at least
it's familiar, a little pathetic even, people do that all the time and
half the time they say—
Kamenashi says nothing, flicks his thumb against Jin's
lower lip just enough to be suggestive and when his fingers trail down
the side of Jin's neck, Jin risks another glance.
To find Kamenashi's eyes still on his mouth, pupils
black and wide, he knows that sort of look and the hard-on that goes
with it and whatever he's thinking—
Kamenashi's eyes flicker up to his and Jin quickly looks
away. He may just be imagining the pause before the hands on him start
to move again.
They stop at his nipples; a hard first pinch, and Jin's
glad he isn't sensitive there like some other guys; then easing, and
then it's a palm, rubbing flat over one of them before tracing wider
circles across his chest, leaving a brief slickness where the come
hasn't quite dried.
He holds his breath when Kamenashi's fingertips get
close to his collarbone, but then they lift, and next there's the edge
of nails ghosting down his left side and he gets goosebumps despite
himself, and Kamenashi plays with that a bit, one hand up Jin's chest
then feathery light down all the way to his hip and it's not nice but
it's rhythmic, predictable at least.
Then there's a bit more shifting, a bit more of
Kamenashi's upper body disappearing from view as he works his way down
Jin's ribcage, and the familiar feeling of a hard-on pressed against
the side of Jin's leg. Jin sneaks a glance at where Kamenashi is
pondering his bellybutton and thinks the guy has patience, because he's
been hard for a good while now and he seems in no hurry.
Almost dreamy instead, movements tentative and slow as
he reaches out and circles Jin's bellybutton with his finger. Circles
back, and back again, dips in. Play around, Ootomo
said, and that wouldn't be so bad, this doesn't feel bad, and if
Kamenashi looked like that all the time, eyes almost soft under his
feathery brown fringe, if the touches were meant this gentle and Jin
didn't have to be tied down and helpless for it, it could be okay. The
muscles in Kamenashi's shoulders move and Jin can feel what it does
where he can't see, Kamenashi seems fascinated by the piercing for the
bellybutton stud Jin isn't wearing tonight, rarely wears for
appointments at all; Kamenashi's observant, most clients don't even
All touch stops. When his eyes snap to Kamenashi's face,
Kamenashi is looking straight at him, sharp as broken glass, his lips
compressed and all dreaminess gone.
The glare doesn't change, Kamenashi doesn't move, Jin's
heart starts racing again, gods, what is it now?
Still staring, Kamenashi gets off him, bed dipping here,
there, leveling out as he is standing next to it; and Kamenashi turns
Jin jerks his head up and there are the ties pulling at
his arms and he can't get up and he can't move and
he tries not to panic because he can still see him, wandering over to
the couch and surely Kamenashi is just going to get— a glass of water
or something, something totally normal and maybe he just needs a break,
maybe he needs to piss—
He stops when pain flashes through his wrists. He needs
to stop. Because Kamenashi is right there in his line of sight and he
knows the rules and there's not going to be anything—
Kamenashi turns around and he's holding the tie that Jin
wore earlier and left draped over the back of the couch along with his
shirt, and Jin eases himself back down. Okay.
He doesn't need to be tied down any further, that much
just became clear but if it'll make Kamenashi happier, good, because
that icy look… didn't look happy, and this is vaguely better, now he
looks like he's found a solution to a problem, and another tie isn't
going to make it worse.
So he just lies still as Kamenashi walks up to the side
of the bed and sits down, sweeps his eyes along Jin's body until
they're on his face and the tie comes up and—
Jin turns his head away whiplash-fast, his heart is
hammering, fuck no, not this, not this too.
Kamenashi's shadow falls over him and the fabric
slithers over his face before Kamenashi straightens it, and he twists
his neck the other direction, and he starts to tear at the ties holding
him to the bed again.
"Hold still," Kamenashi says impatiently. The fabric
disappears, because the hand holding it is on Jin's chest now, pressing
him down, but as soon as Jin stills, just a little, Kamenashi's hand
lifts up for another try and Jin watches and he can't get a grip on
himself, on this—
"I could just close my eyes." It doesn't even sound like
him, like he's feeling, it sounded like a whisper when everything in
him wants to scream.
Kamenashi studies him, absently winding the makeshift
blindfold around his fist, and Jin can't stop staring at it, he wants
to think he can negotiate with this guy, get through to him somehow.
But he can't stop staring at the blindfold going round and round, tight
and slow, and the muscles shifting in Kamenashi's forearm.
"That's not quite the same," Kamenashi points out
eventually, and fuck, Jin's not even surprised, what could you expect,
it's not like Kamenashi cares about Jin's point of
view here, and he can't think of anything else, he's got nothing—
"Blindfolds aren't included."
The words are out of his mouth before he can think it
through and he looks up now, needing to see, hoping Kamenashi will buy
"In standard services," he says unsteadily, and it's not
perfect but maybe he'll buy it if Jin just looks convincing enough.
"They're not— they're extra."
The studying… is different now, and he can't say how,
but it's not good.
"Really," Kamenashi says. Definitely not a question this
time, even though one of those ridiculously tidy eyebrows is faintly
Jin doesn't trust his voice anymore but he tries a nod,
tries to look sure of himself.
Kamenashi gives him a level look which holds no warmth
at all. "I think," he says slowly, "I could probably afford it.
And that's that. He can afford it, he can do whatever he
wants. And he can be pissed off and impatient and he could do anything.
Jin lowers his eyes. Stops fighting. Feels the silk fall
on his face; does nothing. Lets Kamenashi— whatever. Swallows and holds
still and when the first knot pulls tight at the back of his head he
almost loses it because it's too much, it's all too much, he came here
and he did everything and took everything and if there is one more
fucking thing, one more fucking creepy thing—
The light's gone. The touch stays, coming round, light
on his forehead. Jin doesn't flinch, doesn't fight. Doesn't lose it.
Then Kamenashi gets off the bed and Jin's breath hitches
but he stays close by, doesn't wander off and Jin doesn't want to be
grateful for anything this fucking asshole does
but at least all he's doing is take off his clothes, all Jin can hear
is fabric sliding over skin and the last bit of a zipper coming down,
and sure, he's probably good and ready now, he must be having the time
of his life watching Jin come apart tied to his fucking bed and
thinking up all kinds of— god. Oh god.
"What's your problem anyway?" Kamenashi asks, vaguely
impatient, matter of fact even as it cuts into the darkness. "You said
you talked to management. They must have told you I don't damage
And Jin thinks they told him all kinds of things, they
also told him Kamenashi isn't a crazy son of a bitch and nothing's
going to happen, play around and vanilla
and have they ever fucking met this guy—
"Or is the attitude included, too?"
Jin flinches, freezes. He didn't mean… he meant
but— oh god, oh shit… and he's holding his breath and he's braced for—
for anything, anything and he can't see he
won't know he—
There's nothing. He holds his breath and bites his lip
and there's nothing, nothing at all, no sound. No sound.
Then the bed moves, dips, and—
Touch, and he's paralyzed, there's a sob…
… there's nothing but touch. It's on his chest, hand,
yes, and that aimless rubbing thing, and still he shivers and he tries
not to make a sound, not a fucking sound.
"I guess it is," Kamenashi says, like he's content to
have that clarified.
Not a sound.
The weight lifts from his chest and there's air,
nothing, it's like falling, and a sudden scratch at his neck pulls him
up, makes him start, bastard, but he gets it now,
this is the new game in town.
There are gaps now; Kamenashi's touch jumping around,
chest, shoulder— stomach, his sides again where he bucks up, he can't
help it, weird and disorienting but not… like it could be, he tells
himself that, just weird, just disorienting and Kamenashi is enjoying
himself, seems strangely not angry and Jin can't make sense of it.
A hand slides over his thigh, fingertips pressing down
on the inside and Jin twitches again, slumps down again. Curls his
fingers in sharply and hopes Kamenashi didn't see.
"That's included too, right?" Kamenashi says. "That's
not extra, is it?"
Jin keeps his mouth shut. It's pretty much the only
thing he's in charge of at this point and he'll be doing himself a
favour if he makes the most of it.
The hand lifts and something new, no, his throat again
but not pressing down, all good, under control, and there's sudden
weight on him but he just breathes out slowly, it's just Kamenashi
sliding a leg over him, not shy about his hard-on and the roll of his
hips against Jin, about setting himself a relaxed little rhythm.
"You are pretty, you know,"
Kamenashi says, voice getting rougher, and fingers feather over Jin's
cock, don't linger, flicker up over his stomach making the muscles
there contract. "Very appealing like this." The fingers are circling
his nipples again, good, Jin doesn't care much about that. He can focus
on sound, on Kamenashi's breathing which is coming a little faster now.
Maybe there's a chance that this will be over soon.
Another gap, and then it's his cock again, and fingers
moving, down, back; Jin doesn't like clients playing with his balls at
the best of times but he just holds still. It doesn't last long, the
guy is getting erratic, and eventually he can relax again, as much as
that's possible while—
The next touch is in his face, and he jumps, sucks in a
breath, and Kamenashi's thumb slips past his lips, playing
around, spreading wetness over his mouth.
Not easy like this; not comfortable but it's not like
that's been an overriding consideration all night and this is okay, he
knows this, it's fine, it's welcome, at least
there's an end in sight.
So he waits, doesn't disrupt, does nothing while
Kamenashi feels up his mouth some more and makes up his fucking mind
and then there it is, the shift, the knee on either side of him and
Kamenashi's hand comes around his head, lifts him up a little, and he
feels vulnerable and helpless and blind but it will actually help, and
the guy even adjusts the pillow under him, and then he feels the
smallest bit of pressure against the back of his head and Kamenashi
exhales and he just knows and opens his mouth.
"Nice," Kamenashi says, soft approval, slides in, pulls
back, goes deep with a little sigh. "That's good."
It's not too bad. Jin can breathe through his nose and
it's not too fast. Just a guy fucking his mouth, nothing new except
it's an odd angle and he can't do anything, held in place by
Kamenashi's hand and the thrusts coming down, thick and steady.
Kamenashi seems to like it from the soft sounds he makes here and there
when he hits the back of Jin's mouth, the easy pace he sets. He must be
watching, he'll be getting off on watching when Jin can't see anything,
and he's very controlled for a guy who's been hard forever, and Jin
doesn't want to think about Kamenashi and control, he wants it over,
he'd take it faster if they could just get there already.
His cock rests on Jin's bottom lip for a moment, full,
heavy, while Kamenashi's hand fumbles in his hair, and then the hand is
gone and with it the blindfold and Jin's head sinks back onto the
pillow and he blinks against the light and the rush of gratitude. And
very carefully doesn't look at Kamenashi, looks into space just past
Kamenashi's swipes his thumb thoughtfully over Jin's
lip, and Jin does nothing, doesn't move, doesn't move when Kamenashi
reaches up and tugs at a strand of hair, thumb drawing a wet line on
Doesn't breathe when Kamenashi
leans forward, and left, and messes with the tie around his wrist until
it falls off, doesn't react when the same happens on the other side.
Doesn't get his hopes up until Kamenashi has swung himself off the bed
and gone down to the end, to start on his ankles, and that's when he
pulls his arms towards himself and relaxes, just a little, just a tiny
His feet are free and Kamenashi is standing there,
studying him, as if waiting for him to make a move, a wrong move.
For all Jin knows, even not moving is a wrong move.
Kamenashi nods. "Knees and elbows, please."
Thank god, Jin thinks dizzily,
because this is it, this is the home stretch, and he moves at last and
then he gets really wobbly because he hasn't moved in so fucking long
and been so tense for so fucking long, nothing works like he expects it
to, but he recovers quickly, this is routine, he gets there and who
cares about elegant.
He doesn't think Kamenashi has moved, but now he does;
Jin hears a rustle, and then there's weight on the mattress. The sounds
of a foil package tearing, a short pause, another package, and he
doesn't flinch away from Kamenashi's hand on his hip, he's ready, holds
still for the usual positioning and Kamenashi pushes inside without
Jin breathes slow a couple of times, relaxes – and that
works, works fine, nothing weird here, nothing unusual.
A ragged breath from Kamenashi, the first pull out and
the thrust back in and he's hard, really hard, this
won't last a minute. Kamenashi's hands on his hips aren't rough, merely
purposeful as they set the pace and Jin goes with it, this is easy,
smooth, over and over until Kamenashi shifts behind him and the angle
changes and the pace speeds up and up and a hand lifts from his hips,
comes heavy between his shoulderblades, pins him in place to take the
final few thrusts, and there's a cut-off moan from Kamenashi, and a
sigh and he stills, and then there is just breathing.
Done. They're done.
He thinks. Hopes. Please let them be done.
The hand on his back lifts, leaves a bit of sweat that
cools fast, and Kamenashi pulls out, lets go.
No lingering touches, no funny business. Jin feels his
weight shift through the mattress as he gets off the bed but he's
silent, his breathing evening out and Jin doesn't want to move, doesn't
want to take any chances but he can't stay like this either; he
stretches out his legs a bit, lowers his hips onto the bed and nothing
happens, nothing at all. Then he hears Kamenashi's steps moving away,
and the bathroom door, and Jin slowly turns on his back, rubs his hands
over his face, rolls his shoulders, relaxes at last, a little. Vague
sounds of running water, and okay, he'll be getting rid of the condom
and washing his hands, taking a piss probably, that's all good, that's
Jin props himself up on one elbow, wonders uneasily if
that'll look too casual, too comfortable, too anything
but that's the thing with Kamenashi, how can you know when none of it
He raises himself enough to keep an eye on the corner
with the bathroom and hopes for the best.
The turning of the key in the bathroom door gives him
two seconds' warning, and he breathes in, holds himself very still.
Kamenashi has pulled on some grey sweatpants but his
chest is still bare; there's a sheen of sweat on his skin and his hair
is tousled in his face. He doesn't look like he's got much of a purpose
as he comes nearer, gives no sign that he minds Jin's new position, or
that he's even noticed it. His eyes skim over Jin but don't want to
settle, and he turns towards the kitchen, moving— no, he stops, halfway
between the bed and the dining table, gives Jin an unreadable look.
"Would you like a drink, too?"
Jin stares with his thoughts racing; you don't turn down
drink, hospitality, they get trained in that before the health checks
are even back, but he doesn't want alcohol, he needs a clear head, he's
not certain yet and who knows if this is one with a
right answer and a wrong answer.
"We're done," Kamenashi informs him in a cool but civil
tone, and Jin wonders if he dares believe him, but something stupid in
him already does and oh, god, thank you.
Kamenashi raises his eyebrows.
"I'd like some water, please," Jin says, managing
smoothly despite the relief that's pulsing through him and making his
head feel all weird.
Kamenashi nods, and this time Jin thinks his eyes linger
for a moment, narrow slightly, but then he proceeds to the kitchen and
anyway they're done, it's over. Probably.
Slowly, he scoots forward on the bed, looks for where he
dropped his pants. Slowly, like someone who has concluded an
appointment successfully and has satisfied a client and isn't shaky in
the knees because he spent most of it fucking terrified.
He's got his boxer briefs on and is standing when
Kamenashi comes back, holds out a small bottle of Evian. He's got a
beer in his other hand.
"Thank you," Jin says when he accepts, meeting his eyes
briefly because it's polite, it's what a calm person would do, but
Kamenashi doesn't seem to care one way or the other, just nods again.
"You can freshen up if you like," he says with a small
motion of his head towards the bathroom, and Jin gets even more polite
when he declines just in case Kamenashi has a problem with his offer
being turned down, with Jin not spending a minute longer in this
apartment, in this apartment naked, than he
absolutely has to.
But no, it seems okay, Kamenashi only says, "If you're
sure," and then he turns away from Jin, walking back around the bed, to
the wall side.
Jin doesn't follow the movement. Safer just to focus on
his trousers. Don't hurry; don't fumble. They're done, and Kamenashi
seems… well. Some sort of pleased; Jin would probably know if he
For now, Jin approves of pleased. His private opinion
about just what pleases the likes of Kamenashi can wait until he's far
He takes two steps to pick up his shirt from the back of
the couch, and when he straightens up, Kamenashi has come closer and—
god. Jin barely stops himself from recoiling, because Kamenashi is
holding his tie, is holding it out, and he's just being helpful, Jin
even knows that but god, he didn't need that, not now. He mumbles his
thanks less successfully this time, takes it, and his fingers are
trembling and he hopes Kamenashi doesn't see. He has another sip of
water, a brief pause before he has to tie complicated knots and not
make a fool of himself.
Then he puts the bottle on the floor, he needs both
hands for the shirt, he's not going to fumble and he doesn't look at
Kamenashi but can tell he's got on the bed, and he doesn't think about
whether Kamenashi is watching him, enjoying some show Jin is careful
not to put on, because they're done and it's over and in a few minutes
he's going to be out of here.
He buttons up the shirt, carefully, no mistake this
time. He's even more careful with the tie, and that goes fine, too. His
jacket is over the chair where he put it when he came in, but jacket
makes him think 'outside' and outside makes him wonder what he's
looking like; he should use the bathroom, check.
He looks at Kamenashi after all where he's sitting on
the bed with his feet bare, propped up against the headboard. His legs
are stretched out in front of him, sprawling a bit with post-fucking
relaxation. Those brown eyes are on Jin, but weirdly, almost like they
don't really see him, and the hardness in them is gone for the moment.
He opens his mouth, almost asks… but no. He's not
stopping here, not for anything, and Kamenashi won't let him leave his
apartment looking like a messed-up whore, and that will have to do.
He gets his jacket, considered movements, with Kamenashi saying nothing. Wipes over his face quickly to take care of any…
spit, whatever. Seems okay and he doesn't care, he only cares about
Kamenashi is for once not watching him when he turns
around again, absorbed in the pensive tilt of his beer bottle,
withdrawn somehow under the hair falling in his face. But once Jin's
picked up his bag he gets up instantly, takes the key from the coffee
table and unlocks the door for him. There's a last moment of unease, of
expecting an ambush when Jin bends to slip into his shoes, but when he
straightens again, Kamenashi hasn't moved, is politely holding the door
open, meets Jin's eyes.
"Thank you," Kamenashi says, "it was a pleasure."
There is no hint of irony in his voice, and Jin bows,
keeping his voice just as even.
"Not at all."
He steps out, takes another step, and another, is two
meters away when the door closes behind him. He doesn't speed up, just
keeps walking, down the stairs, across the courtyard, out of the gate
which opens for him automatically. Around the corner; around another
corner; then he… stops, leans against the nearest wall, jacket be
damned, exhales and feels cool air on his face, just stands there
because it's better than falling over. Doesn't think of ropes, of… of
anything. Thinks of soccer scores. Thinks, by the time he thinks
clearly, that a cigarette would help. So he lights one and checks his
watch, and he'll probably even make the last connection from Shinagawa
if he just starts walking again.
So he does, and he makes it, and isn't he having a great
He curls up in a corner seat of the train, ignoring
everything and everybody, lets them think he's drunk, reminds himself
he's got a lot to be grateful for. He isn't wet, isn't bleeding, isn't
even hurting. He's getting paid for this.
He's still trembling by the time he gets off the train,
walks for five minutes through dark streets with shadowy corners,
fumbles for the lock to let himself into the apartment. He leaves the
light on when he goes to sleep.
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